We fight each time it snows

 We fight each time it snows,

I can’t help but

                           Escape.

 

Escape from daily cost,

Into feign arms of responsibility

              And forget.

 

How foolish I

              Run,

As if cost is not the principle of love.

 

You are dear, Dear One,

Because of the expense.

              I tire of new sounds,

 

long for smells of home.

              We fight each time it snows.

Familiar to me like the way to

 

              Pull the towel.

              Or close the dishwasher

Gently for fingers seeking spoons.

 

 

Like searching vents

              For stolen treasure,

We bemoan that falling snow.

             

I run away,

When Lady Morgan calls,

              I don’t have to think about anything else.

 

I don’t have to worry about anything else.

It’s only skiing.

              I don’t need anything extra

             

I don’t want anything extra.

Just the skiing is good enough.

We fight each time it snows.

 

That other woman,

That other life is not

              Enough for me.

I love every sound of skiing,

              Find escape in every sensation.

But I won’t trade my mountain for a molehill.

 

Or stuffed whales for silver.

Purple binkies

And broken mops

 

Are quite enough for me.

              I’d trade my seventh soul,

For towers and tracks and toys,

 

              To fight each time it snows.

May my tracker count the cost,

              You are dearer to me with every toggle light

 

And every inch of powder.

You are dear, Dear One,

Because of the expense.

 

 Inspiration:

Jesper Tjäder (Director). (2023, December 12). DOPE SNOW x JT 2024.         https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrmIORzeEjc

Johnson, K. (2022). Fatal: Poems. Persea Books.

 

 

What if I posted

 and I just acted like it hasn't been 4 years since I've even looked at my blog?  And I didn't get on and hide all the old writing that's a bit cringeworthy. 

I wouldn't have to update anyone on my life - thank goodness. 

I wouldn't have to write anything spectacular.

And maybe nobody would even read it - unless they're some crazy stalker. 

I could blab a little. And talk about how 'and' is my favorite word to start a new sentence. 

And I could just end the post without saying anything.

003. Poor Shanghai

Shanghai isn’t just one city.  There’s poor Shanghai, rich Shanghai, new Shanghai, old Shanghai, communist Shanghai, and a million other Shanghai(s) that I haven’t discovered yet.

First impression… I never actually believed in overpopulation but Shanghai is certainly making an argument that it exists.  I thought Germany was crowded but I don’t remember ever accidentally touching so many people.

My first couple days have been spent mostly in poor Shanghai.  Certainly, my first hostel wasn’t the image of wonderful Chinese service that I had expected.  I started having suspicions that I was in poor Shanghai when I stepped off the metro into a pile of garbage.  It got stinkier and stinkier all the way to my room.  Source of most of the stink in Shanghai: my 40 year old Chinese roommate, assisted by my 6 other 30 year old Chinese roommates. Not exactly what I expected from an international hostel haha.

I slept with the door open, window open, found a fan and turned it on “very loud,” and turned the window A/C to “very cold.”  I was still woken by new smells the whole night, I didn’t realize how easily smells can wake me.  

In spite of the smells and the fact that they didn’t speak ANY English, they were very nice guys.  They got close enough that I woke up at 1am and they invited me to come to the club with them (had to pass it up in the interest of beating my jetlag).  They were impressed with my not-so-impressive Chinese, laughed and laughed with (and at) me, found me some good food, and stopped smoking in the room when I asked them to.

So when I think about “poor Shanghai,” the spirit of it wasn’t

so poor after all.

002. california

expected highlights

• Banzai bowls 

• Vissla warehouse 

• Cane’s 

• walking through this gate

Unexpected highlights

• charcoal nose strips with grammy and pops 

• Dino chicken nugget sweet and sour chicken 

• much longer than expected bike ride 

• a new bear’s den album 

• my mom's journals

• Grammy counting 6 adult and 77 baby geese

• paper towns

003. Shanghai

001. leaving home

yesterday was the first stage of my month long trip to Asia... leaving.

i listened to a podcast about two criminals that escaped from Alcatraz.  In a previous interview with the convicts they were quoted saying, “escaping is as American as apple pie.”  Porter and I laughed about the idea but it was one of those thoughts that I thought when I go through the carwash.  Carwash thoughts are like shower thoughts where you don’t have to get dressed back up to execute.

so this is me escaping for a while.  and the things I notice on my way out and back again.

002... California

not trying to be cute

this isn't me trying to be artistic.  in fact there's not really a message behind what I want to say.  but here goes.

how I'm feeling:

I feel like I want to be complicated.  and loved.
because being complicated + loved = intriguing.

and being complicated and unloved isn't so bad either.
because being complicated + unloved = misunderstood. 
and I think I'm alright with being misunderstood.

I guess being simple and loved would be ok too.
because being simple + loved = relatable.

but

I'm just scared of being simple... and unloved.
because simple + unloved = unlovable.
and I can't be that.

so it's best to be complicated.  or at least to try to be.  maybe.

ok

am I ok?

or just ok with the things about me that aren't ok?